Peter When I make a mistake, I have eight different people coming by to tell me about it. That’s my only real motivation is not to be hassled, that and the fear of losing my job. But you know, Bob, that will only make someone work just hard enough not to get fired.

Milton And I said, I don’t care if they lay me off either, because I told, I told Bill that if they move my desk one more time, then, then I’m, I’m quitting, I’m going to quit. And, and I told Don too, because they’ve moved my desk four times already this year, and I used to be over by the window, and I could see the squirrels, and they were married, but then, they switched from the Swingline to the Boston stapler, but I kept my Swingline stapler because it didn’t bind up as much, and I kept the staples for the Swingline stapler and it’s not okay because if they take my stapler then I’ll set the building on fire.

Michael Bolton Yeah, well at least your name isn’t Michael Bolton. Samir You know there’s nothing wrong with that name. Michael Bolton There was nothing wrong with it… until I was about 12 years old and that no-talent ass clown became famous and started winning Grammys.

Peter So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that’s on the worst day of my life.

Peter Well, I generally come in at least fifteen minutes late, ah, I use the side door–that way Lumbergh can’t see me, heh–after that I sorta space out for an hour. I just stare at my desk, but it looks like I’m working. I do that for probably another hour after lunch too, I’d say in a given week I probably only do about fifteen minutes of real, actual, work.

Samir No, not again. I… why does it say paper jam when there is no paper jam I swear to God, one of these days, I just kick this piece of shit out the window.

Bob We find it’s always better to fire people on a Friday. Studies have statistically shown that there’s less chance of an incident if you do it at the end of the week.

Solitude is the profoundest fact of the human condition. Man is the only being who knows he is alone.

Love is an attempt at penetrating another being, but it can only succeed if the surrender is mutual.

Art’ is an invention of aesthetics, which in turn is an invention of philosophers. What we call art is a game.

Treasure the love you receive above all. It will survive long after your good health has vanished.

Do all things with love.

I will love the light for it shows me the way, Yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars.

I will persist until I succeed. Always will I take another step. If that is of no avail I will take another, and yet another. In truth, one step at a time is not too difficult…. I know that small attempts, repeated, will complete any undertaking.

Realize that true happiness lies within you. Waste no time and effort searching for peace and contentment and joy in the world outside. Remember that there is no happiness in having or in getting, but only in giving. Reach out. Share. Smile. Hug. Happiness is a perfume you cannot pour on others without getting a few drops on yourself.

The only certain means is to render more and better service than is expected of you, no matter what your task may be.

Beginning today, treat everyone you meet as if they were going to be dead by midnight. Extend them all the care, kindness and understanding you can muster. Your life will never be the same again.

The victory of success is half won when one gains the habit of setting goals and achieving them. Even the most tedious chore will become endurable as you parade through each day convinced that every task, no matter how menial or boring, brings you closer to fulfilling your dreams.

It was when I found out I could make mistakes that I knew I was on to something.